funny stuff!

the single life...

Overall, being single is excellent. I am pretty good with living my own life and not having to really "report" my day to anyone... or at least that's what I like to tell myself.

But then today I realized I constantly complain about how I am an extrovert and have no one to talk through or process things with. Contradiction? I think so.

I don't think I would mind being in a relationship if I found the right person. Of course, that's the hard part. Why, might you ask, does it seem so hard? Good question.

Maybe I am not opening myself up enough. I like my closed box, predictable, busy with no time open for suprises life. I finally realized that this might be becoming a problem when I thought about what I REALLY love to do... which is just BE ME with people.

I love human interaction. God made me that way. I love to feel wanted. God made me that way. I love being unique. I love being comfortable in my own skin, without ridicule. Sadly, there are people in my life who have seen these things as flaws.

I am finally at the point where I can honestly say I disagree with them. I have flaws and struggles. Doesn't everyone? God says that HIS strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. I celebrate the things others see as flaws because I truely believe God can work that way. Heck, just me accepting these flaws as strengths shows how truely awesome God is. Any woman who does not know Christ is incapable of doing this on her own. Trust me.

Maybe the problem that I am facing is that I am finally secure in who I am... now, let's find someone who loves that... :)

mint hot chocolate

I am sitting here drinking yummy mint hot chocolate... and thinking.

I feel like I have had a rough past few days. For some reason, all I can think about is how sad I have felt lately. I am sure it is just a random phase I am going through, but I really feel pretty isolated lately. Like you know that feeling when you feel like noone could possibly understand what you are going through? That's how I feel.

I am an extrovert most of the time in that I process mostly by talking things through. I think I came to the realization this week FINALLY that there is noone that I can consistantly do that with in my life right now. This is why I am starting to feel like blogging might help.

An extended member of my family died this past week. I didn't know him very well, but for some reason I am overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like it is mostly sadness for his family (my uncle, aunt, and cousins) and reflecting on losing someone close like a parent or grandparent and how hard that must be. I think since I haven't directly had to deal with a lot of tragedy in my life, whenever it does happen, it overtakes anything I was feeling before. And it sticks with me for a while.

It also makes me realize how insensitive I have been to others who have experienced this that I interact with regularly. Could I have done more to be there for them in their tough time? Is there anything I still can do? Why do I feel so helpless?

I think it all comes down to mortality. I am mortal. Everyone is mortal. We die. We leave loved ones behind. I don't think it's the death part that scares me. It's the aftermath on earth. If only everyone (including myself) could just get a grip on what heaven is like. It should make things easier. It should make us feel comforted. Am I not a true Christian because I don't feel comfort all of the time? What does this mean?

Well I am going to try to be productive today. Paper grading time!

blogging, youth group, and the living christian

So, I have been thinking (and encouraged... shout out to Stephanie!) that I for sure need to be blogging more. I am pretty sure not TOO many people read this, so why not organize my thoughts and dreams here?!?

So, tonight I helped out at youth group a bit. I cannot explain how much of a passion I have for working with these kids. I mean, I just see soo much potential, but at the same time feel like they are being so limited by the structure that we force upon them through the "youth group time."

I wish somehow we could show the kids what a LIVING CHRISTIAN is all about. It almost seems like they listen and hear, but almost don't believe that we are telling them the truth. Like they don't believe that we actually live the way we say we live. Or that we can't POSSIBLY be into the dusty old bible or the Jesus we hear about on Sunday mornings in boring sermons. Or that they believe every person who goes to church every Sunday loves and knows Jesus and their complacency during the service and beyond is a demonstration of their love for God.

Thinking back to my own youth group days, I am afraid to say I felt the same way. At first, I believed every leader was this sinless spectacle to be admired, then learned that they were not so perfect. This clouded my view of so much, including my view of God. It wasn't until college when I saw people seriously living out their faith that really drew me to Christ and changed me completely.

I want to be a living Christian for these kids to look up to. I want to show and tell them that life with Christ is about more than boring sermons or the dusty old bible. It is about a living God who fulfills me through the loneliness, heartache, depression, joy, excitement, etc.

That is all... school tomorrow. Boo. Yet yay. Cute kids. Early wake up call.