mint hot chocolate

I am sitting here drinking yummy mint hot chocolate... and thinking.

I feel like I have had a rough past few days. For some reason, all I can think about is how sad I have felt lately. I am sure it is just a random phase I am going through, but I really feel pretty isolated lately. Like you know that feeling when you feel like noone could possibly understand what you are going through? That's how I feel.

I am an extrovert most of the time in that I process mostly by talking things through. I think I came to the realization this week FINALLY that there is noone that I can consistantly do that with in my life right now. This is why I am starting to feel like blogging might help.

An extended member of my family died this past week. I didn't know him very well, but for some reason I am overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like it is mostly sadness for his family (my uncle, aunt, and cousins) and reflecting on losing someone close like a parent or grandparent and how hard that must be. I think since I haven't directly had to deal with a lot of tragedy in my life, whenever it does happen, it overtakes anything I was feeling before. And it sticks with me for a while.

It also makes me realize how insensitive I have been to others who have experienced this that I interact with regularly. Could I have done more to be there for them in their tough time? Is there anything I still can do? Why do I feel so helpless?

I think it all comes down to mortality. I am mortal. Everyone is mortal. We die. We leave loved ones behind. I don't think it's the death part that scares me. It's the aftermath on earth. If only everyone (including myself) could just get a grip on what heaven is like. It should make things easier. It should make us feel comforted. Am I not a true Christian because I don't feel comfort all of the time? What does this mean?

Well I am going to try to be productive today. Paper grading time!